Two great things together

...Can form one of the worst creations in the history of humankind.

I'm Canadian, therefore, I play and love hockey. I'm also a nerd, so I love comics and super heroes. Between those two interests, I have no idea how I missed this travesty. (I assume it's because I avoid the NHL All-Star game like the plague) I'm now struggling to figure out if this is the most awesomely horrid cross-promotion I've ever seen, or if it is a brilliant plan designed to suck out the final remnants of pride left in the game of hockey.

The NHL Guardians, presented by Stan Lee. Superheroes based on hockey teams? How could this possibly go awry?

I found a second video that is way overlong but shows all 30 Guardians in glorious computer rendering, and it helpfully points out each champion's super powers:

In case you don't want to watch the videos, I will note that there are a few things that were worth braving the hideous concept:

The Montreal Canadien looks like a red-themed Cobra Commander. Awesome!

The Vancouver Canuck looks like Batman, but with an orca fin on his head. Appropriately moronic for a Vancouver mascot!

I was disappointed to see the Islander doesn't look like Captain Highliner, and strangely, the Edmonton Oiler has a skill called "environmental empathy." Is that like "ethical oil"?

Clearly, there's no idiotic level that the NHL will not stoop to in an attempt to sell it's "product." Can we please get rid of Bettman, or at least request the league fire the current crop of ten year olds running the marketing department?

My past returns to haunt me

I'm totally stealing this from Jason, who totally stole it from Everything Is Terrible, who snagged it from the Christian variety show Fire By Nite that I used to watch in youth group back in the early 90's. I don't remember this specific skit (which, I believe, is a mashup of a recurring skit from a bunch of episodes), but I can't imagine there was any way I could have found it enjoyable without first receiving a frontal lobotomy. Oh wait, I was trapped in the depths of religion at the time... Speaking of brain damage, about the only thing I can remember from Fire By Nite was the "Satanism Unmasked" two-part episode that delved into the evils of Satanism, metal music, and Dungeons & Dragons. Those episodes even had interviews with teen murderer Sean Sellers, who unsuccessfully attempted to use his conversion to evangelical Christianity to avoid the death penalty for murdering his parents.

At any rate, enjoy! Just remember, once you've watched it, you can't UN-WATCH it!